(Please take a moment to refresh your memory on what happened in 2014.)
In case you didn’t read last year’s Christmas letter, here is a recap: I showed off the time machine I built (which was nowhere near ready for tests) and accidentally sent my neighbors into different (and unknown) periods throughout time. I also sent most of our family to 1854, where we continued to live out our lives while we try to figure a way back to 2014, or I guess 2016?
The year started out pretty terrible but ended up getting much better. We were still living in 1854 but eventually the ball dropped on 1854 and rose for 1855. In January, we saw the worst frost in the history of Maiden, Montana. It got as cold as 40 degrees, which is pretty cold when your feet aren’t protected by rugged boots from Red Wing Shoes and their patented technology that makes your feet feel warm, while at the same time keeping your feet safe from the dangers of your workplace. Red Wing Shoes and Boots: Style, Comfort, and Affordability.
Most of the town froze to death. It was pretty tragic, but luckily, the people who died were kind of dicks anyway, especially Miss Clara Anderson, who was known throughout the town as being a real “c-word.” But I suppose that was one good thing – I coined a phrase no one had ever heard before. I spent many days teaching school children the versatility of the word “cunt.” They seemed to enjoy it, although their teacher did not as she was often at the receiving end of many of these verbal assaults.
Once the ground thawed, we were finally able to assess how much of the town we lost due to the frigid 40 degree temperatures and light dusting of snow. It turns out that 80% of the town froze to death. In hindsight, I probably should have shared my fire-starting techniques, as I had become quite good at it over the years. It surely would have saved more than one family. Live and learn, I guess.
Sometime around our semi-annual Fourth of July celebration, I accidentally let it slip that I was from the future. The town wasn’t scared that I might be a devil or anything… they were just curious. With their curiosity came question after question after question and frankly, I was getting quite tired of it. There were so many inquiries into what the future was like that it was interfering with my alone time with my wives.
Oh yeah! I became a Mormon! Once I discovered the whole “multiple wives” thing, I was all over that shit. I couldn’t remember all of their names though, so I just number them. There’s “One” who is 19, “Two” who is 19, and “Three” who is also 19. Oh curse me – I forgot I just got married again yesterday to “Four.” She is 19.
Anyway, Two and Three were getting upset with the townspeople’s fascination with me and the future, and their constant interruptions. So I eventually packed up my wives and my extended family and traveled up north to Kendall, Montana, but not before burning down the town of Maiden and everyone in it. I didn’t want to be followed, you know?
Kendall is an interesting place. It feels like a town that is maybe 40 or so years away from becoming the next big thing. The town is named after Harry Kendall, who I quickly befriended. I suggested that he invests his money into mining ore. I’m not even sure if that’s a thing or not but he seemed really interested in the idea. He left awhile back to gather up investors. I was sure to look after his wife while he is away. She is 19.
I started a church! Being that I am now a Mormon, I started the First Presbyterian Church of Kendall! I figured that Mormons and Presbyterians were pretty close in their beliefs (???) so why not go for it! It has been a huge hit with our social mixers, Pin-the-Beard-on-Jesus blindfold competitions, and our massive successful fundraisers. I have yet to preach a lick of religion, but I pray that will come in due time.
On a stormy October night, my family huddled around the steel fireplace when we began to reminisce of our time back in 2014. We got out our wristbands and were handling them as we shared stories of “the future” (which was actually “our past” but “who cares?”). Just then, lightning struck our outhouse and sent a surge of electricity through the ground and into our bodies. This ended up sending all of us to the year 1911. The location appears to be Cleveland, but I can’t tell because the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of fame hasn’t been built yet.
Knowing that electricity (and my stylish wristbands) are the key to time travel, I began doing experiments on my family in the basement of our new house. I start by strapping the subject down and subjecting them to varying voltages of electricity. So far Three has been the only casualty but that’s okay because she was getting to be too bossy anyway.
Soon I plan to resume these tests while wearing the wristbands. I didn’t feel my tests were ready for this crucial component yet.
This message had been typed on a typewriter, and if my calculations are correct, you should be able to see this posted on my blog right around Christmas Day 2015, give or take a few days. I hope you all are doing marvelous with your modern lives. Here’s to a happy and healthy