The Hansen Family Annual Christmas Letter 2015

(Please take a moment to refresh your memory on what happened in 2014.)

In case you didn’t read last year’s Christmas letter, here is a recap: I showed off the time machine I built (which was nowhere near ready for tests) and accidentally sent my neighbors into different (and unknown) periods throughout time. I also sent most of our family to 1854, where we continued to live out our lives while we try to figure a way back to 2014, or I guess 2016?

This is what boots look like.
This is what a boot looks like.

The year started out pretty terrible but ended up getting much better. We were still living in 1854 but eventually the ball dropped on 1854 and rose for 1855. In January, we saw the worst frost in the history of Maiden, Montana. It got as cold as 40 degrees, which is pretty cold when your feet aren’t protected by rugged boots from Red Wing Shoes and their patented technology that makes your feet feel warm, while at the same time keeping your feet safe from the dangers of your workplace. Red Wing Shoes and Boots: Style, Comfort, and Affordability.

Most of the town froze to death. It was pretty tragic, but luckily, the people who died were kind of dicks anyway, especially Miss Clara Anderson, who was known throughout the town as being a real “c-word.” But I suppose that was one good thing – I coined a phrase no one had ever heard before. I spent many days teaching school children the versatility of the word “cunt.” They seemed to enjoy it, although their teacher did not as she was often at the receiving end of many of these verbal assaults.

Once the ground thawed, we were finally able to assess how much of the town we lost due to the frigid 40 degree temperatures and light dusting of snow. It turns out that 80% of the town froze to death. In hindsight, I probably should have shared my fire-starting techniques, as I had become quite good at it over the years. It surely would have saved more than one family. Live and learn, I guess.

Sometime around our semi-annual Fourth of July celebration, I accidentally let it slip that I was from the future. The town wasn’t scared that I might be a devil or anything… they were just curious. With their curiosity came question after question after question and frankly, I was getting quite tired of it. There were so many inquiries into what the future was like that it was interfering with my alone time with my wives.

Oh yeah! I became a Mormon! Once I discovered the whole “multiple wives” thing, I was all over that shit. I couldn’t remember all of their names though, so I just number them. There’s “One” who is 19, “Two” who is 19, and “Three” who is also 19. Oh curse me – I forgot I just got married again yesterday to “Four.” She is 19.

Anyway, Two and Three were getting upset with the townspeople’s fascination with me and the future, and their constant interruptions. So I eventually packed up my wives and my extended family and traveled up north to Kendall, Montana, but not before burning down the town of Maiden and everyone in it. I didn’t want to be followed, you know?

Kendall is an interesting place. It feels like a town that is maybe 40 or so years away from becoming the next big thing. The town is named after Harry Kendall, who I quickly befriended. I suggested that he invests his money into mining ore. I’m not even sure if that’s a thing or not but he seemed really interested in the idea. He left awhile back to gather up investors. I was sure to look after his wife while he is away. She is 19.

I started a church! Being that I am now a Mormon, I started the First Presbyterian Church of Kendall! I figured that Mormons and Presbyterians were pretty close in their beliefs (???) so why not go for it! It has been a huge hit with our social mixers, Pin-the-Beard-on-Jesus blindfold competitions, and our massive successful fundraisers. I have yet to preach a lick of religion, but I pray that will come in due time.

On a stormy October night, my family huddled around the steel fireplace when we began to reminisce of our time back in 2014. We got out our wristbands and were handling them as we shared stories of “the future” (which was actually “our past” but “who cares?”). Just then, lightning struck our outhouse and sent a surge of electricity through the ground and into our bodies. This ended up sending all of us to the year 1911. The location appears to be Cleveland, but I can’t tell because the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of fame hasn’t been built yet.

Knowing that electricity (and my stylish wristbands) are the key to time travel, I began doing experiments on my family in the basement of our new house. I start by strapping the subject down and subjecting them to varying voltages of electricity. So far Three has been the only casualty but that’s okay because she was getting to be too bossy anyway.

Soon I plan to resume these tests while wearing the wristbands. I didn’t feel my tests were ready for this crucial component yet.

This message had been typed on a typewriter, and if my calculations are correct, you should be able to see this posted on my blog right around Christmas Day 2015, give or take a few days. I hope you all are doing marvelous with your modern lives. Here’s to a happy and healthy 1912 2016!

Dream Sequence #82

February 17, 2015

This is what pizza looks like.
This is what pizza looks like.

I am on the set of a TV series working as an Audio Technician. It is a multi-day shoot and I feel like I have been going above and beyond to impress the clients. On the second to the last day, the producers call for our attention during lunch and announce that tomorrow (the last day) we are going to be having a pizza party. PLUS, they mention that they have been noticing that the entire crew has been working very hard and that one person in particular has gone above-and-beyond their duties to make this shoot successful. Because of this, the producers will award one person a $5,000 bonus after the shoot tomorrow.

All I could think about was how delicious that pizza was going to taste.

The Hansen Family Annual Christmas Letter 2014

This year started with so much excitement and promise for a better year than 2013, but in many ways it was much worse.

The mishaps began around Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday/Holiday in January. I was holding my annual party for all of my white friends. I had a little too much to drink and in my inebriated state, I thought it was a good idea to show everyone the time machine on which I had been working. It was nowhere near complete nor should I have told anyone about it but Charlene was at this party and she was looking mighty fine. I guess I just wanted to impress her (as if my award-winning baby back ribs on the grill weren’t enough!).

I invited everyone to my basement and told them, in some form of slurred-English, that all they had to do was wear these wristbands and they’d be teleported to any time and destination they desired. As I mentioned previously, my machine was not ready and it started malfunctioning. I sent my party guests into random times and places throughout history and I have absolutely no idea where they went or how to get them back. It had appeared that I just picked a whole bouquet of Oopsie Daisies. What are ya gonna do, right?

One by one, my guests disappeared into time and space and all that remained were my family. We grabbed the wrist-bands to try to deactivate the machine and my idiot nephew Miles decided to hit “enter” on the keyboard. Off we went to the old west… 1854 to be exact.

Which, by the way, if someone could check on Miles, that would be great. I realize that he probably hasn’t eaten or had any human contact for almost a year. Just come to the door with some candy and he’ll instantly be your best friend.

Initially, my family didn’t talk to me for several months but then we realized we needed to stick it out and try to make the best of my “oopsies.”

This is what the Old West looks like.
This is what the Old West looks like.

My dad got a job “cooking the books” for Mr. Coborn’s Railroad. Since he had done finance for his job in the 21st Century, he was well-versed in Accounting and knew the laws very well. But this was 1854, and most of those laws didn’t exist, so he was able to “bend” rules that had not yet been passed into law. Needless to say, MANY people lost their homes and livelihoods because of this.

My mom opened up the first laundromat in Coborn City. People bring their soiled clothes to my mom and she hand-washes them on the washboard for close to 16 hours a day. She seems happy.

My brother, Kevin started an internet cafe… well, sort of. He created the basis for the first computer. It’s pretty much just a cardboard box with some wires hanging off it, but you can type things and it saves it (or so we think) to this little “chip.” I tinkered with the syntax a little bit to add some variables to which it will start keeping time and eventually (and hopefully) post this Christmas letter right around Christmas Day of 2014. But my math may be a little off.

My other brother, Rob owns his own General Store. He keeps odd and chaotic hours. It’s pretty much open whenever he feels like waking up. Often times there is a line stretched all the way down the block. The town has been patient with his erratic behavior because his prices are so low and he sells the best beef jerky this side of the Missouri River.

My sister, Katrina became an English teacher for the local school. She teaches grades K-12, and only has 6 students. She enjoys teaching them about “LOL” and “BRB.” In keeping with the time period, she makes people write with their right hand and tells lefties that they will go to hell if they continue their sinful ways.

I’ve gone into business as a gun-for-higher. It’s a great concept because sometimes people need to mount their firearms high above the fireplace and I’m so tall that I can reach the hooks up there. I thought it would be a great way to take advantage of my height and my love of mounting things above fireplaces.

We ran into Gary from my MLK party this Fourth of July. He was not happy! Apparently he misses his wife and kids and blah, blah, blah. Well, he challenged me to a duel on the Monday after 4th of July. I opted to sneak into his house on Sunday morning and murder him in his sleep instead. Problem solved.

Other than that, things seems to be going pretty well. My favorite part of the day is hunting my own food because so far, no one even bats an eye when I start eating the recently deceased town folk. They don’t even think it’s gross! I think I’m going to like this place.

We hope to figure out the secret to time travel before we all die of dysentery. We all miss you terribly and hope to return home some time in 2015.

Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

Try the brisket!

Yelp Review: it’s a small world (Disney World)

Thrills! Excitement! Sorrow! Despair! Descriptions!

This ride continues to be an emotional roller coaster ride for me.

This is what a doll looks like on the ride.
This is what a doll looks like on the ride.

First, a little background on me: I am a well-traveled individual who often “samples the local flavor” by courting a young dame the day before I leave for the next exotic location. Due to my current religious beliefs, I do not believe in anything that may “protect” me from unwanted children and/or HIV. This results, more often than not, in unwanted children.

The reason for the emotional roller coaster is because this ride is a constant reminder of the baronesses I have de-flowered throughout this great planet Earth. Here is a breakdown of the ladies that I have broken down (and the children that are supposedly mine), juxtaposed to where the ride takes you.

Europe: Marit (Oslo, Norway)
I met Marit at a local discotheque in Norway. We locked eyes during the song “The Macarena” and it was love at first sight. She insisted we go to my hotel room where I showed her the most amazing 45 seconds of her life. As we snuggled there in bed, I whispered in her ear that I loved her and that I would never leave her.

The next morning I flew back to the States without telling her. She would contact me almost a year later with a picture of a young boy named Mathias. (pronounced “Mah-tee-ahs”) Over the years, I have learned that he is quite good at soccer and he enjoys playing the violin.

Asia: Riko (Tokyo, Japan)
Riko and I literally bumped into each other on Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. in Japan. As is customary in Japan, if a female is at fault in an accidental bump-into, she must give herself completely to the person she bumped into.

As we snuggled there in bed in my hotel room, I whispered in her ear that I loved her and that I would never leave her. The next morning, I boarded a flight back to the States.

Several months later, she would contact me with a picture of a baby girl named Misaka. She is currently the smartest kid in her 6th grade class and she also loves playing the violin.

Africa: A’sharia’ (Kenya, Africa)
I met A’sharia’ on an African Safari. She was the tour guide. She pointed out the long tusk of an elephant remarking to the tour group, “Have you ever seen anything this big?” to which I smirked and nodded in her direction. It was on.

Later, on the savannah and beneath the mosquito netting, I proclaimed my love for her, vowing never to leave her. The next morning, I drove back to New York City for very important business.

About a year later, I received a snapchat from A’sharia’, informing me that I have a new baby named Nasra. In the years since her birth, she has been excelling in school, she won a spelling bee, and she is also a fearsome warlord in the Lake Turkana region of Kenya.

Antarctica: Gisella (Mirny, Antarctica)
Gisella and I crossed paths at the Antarctica International Airport. She was the agent at Gate M47. She asked if I had any carry-on luggage, to which I smirked and nodded slowly. That night, as I was spooning her, I whispered in her ear that I loved her and that I would never leave her. The next morning, I returned to my summer home in Canada for a Christmas party.

About two years later, I received a fax from Gisella, with a photo attached of our two-year-old boy Emilio. Emilio is learning his ABC’s really quickly, excelling at number-counting, and potty training, just like his dad.

South America: Isidora (Coihaique, Chile)
I was in Chile on a humanitarian effort to create renewable energy for a small village near the border. Isidora was the coordinator of the operation. I had the schematics for the wind turbines on the table and she asked me, “How much thrust are you capable of with that machine?” to which I smirked and nodded slowly as I stared into her Chilean eyes.

That night, I expressed my love for her while engaging in some “passionate whoopie” whispering in her ear that I would never leave her. The next morning, I was on the first flight back to San Diego, where the zoos are amazing.

About three years later, Isidora contacted me with a photo attachment of a young boy named Maximiliano. He was our love child. He doesn’t go to school yet but he is really good at picking cocoa beans.

Pacific Islands: Isabella (Talofofo, Guam)
I was studying a broad at this local library. Her name was Isabella and she was the librarian. Since no one ever goes to the library anymore, we engaged in relations right there in the fantasy section. When it was all over at 3:13pm, I whispered in her ear that I loved her and that I would never leave her. I then asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

About nine months later, she contacted me with a photo of newborn Jeremiah. He’s still ugly as hell, but he has my chin.

Australia: Rebecca (Port Macquarie, New South Wales)
Rebecca and I crossed paths when we were dining at a local Australian favorite named “The Outback Steakhouse.” She was sitting across the bar from me. I thought she was pretty, so I sent an appetizer over to her that looked a lot like Chili’s Awesome Blossom. With the smell of onions on her breath, she came over to me and asked for my phone number. Instead, I gave her the key to my room. I quickly asked for it back, since it was my only copy.

We skipped out on our meals and went directly to my hotel room. It was there that I professed my love for her, whispering in her ear that I would never leave her. “Now get out because I have an early flight” was the last thing I ever said to her.

Several years later, she sent me a photo of our love child, Chloe. She is currently on a respirator in St. Jude’s hospital, but I can’t help but snicker when I see a photo of her connected to all of those machines.

New Zealand – Ruby (Auckland, New Zealand)
Ruby and I began our courtship while fishing at Half Moon Bay. I caught one of those big 3oz fishes and showed it to her. I then jokingly asked her if I could see her Half Moon Bay but she totally dug it. It was right then and there that I professed my love for her, whispering in her ear that I would never leave her.

That night, I took the red-eye back to my winter home in Detroit for my bi-annual Fourth of July celebration. When I got back, a letter was waiting for me in my mailbox from Ruby. She attached a photo of our child, Alexander. He is 8 years old and a world-champion violinist. He also sells drugs at school.

America: ???
I haven’t been fortunate enough to meet any ladies in America yet, which is what makes this ride so depressing. It ends in America and I feel that is a glaring reminder of what a failure I am.

Still, all in all, I enjoyed this ride. I dock one point because they don’t play the theme song “it’s a small world after all” enough. Four out of five stars.

Yelp Review: Whiting LASIK Clinic

I came to get my vision corrected…
…I left with so much more.

Overall, I was very pleased with my experience. I just wish I were better prepared for the great responsibilities that came with becoming a superhero. Let me explain:

9/22/14
Today was my initial free consultation. The staff was very helpful and answered all of my questions, even though they covered most of them during the consultation. I was so impressed that I scheduled my surgery on the spot.

10/3/14
My surgery was this morning at 7:45am. I was out and on my way home by 9am. I felt great discomfort immediately following the surgery. It felt like sand was in my eyes and I could not open my eyelids without a steady stream of tears coming down my face. I went to sleep immediately upon getting home and felt well enough to get up and walk around by 1pm.

10/4/14
24 hours removed from my surgery and I feel great. Although I would not have recommended the surgery to anyone in the minutes following it, I can now say that it was completely worth it.

10/10/14

This is what Cyclops looks like.
This is what Cyclops looks like.

It’s been a week since my surgery. My eyes feel fine but I’ve been having some incredibly vivid and graphic nightmares. It’s always the same thing: I encounter someone in a dangerous situation and in my anger, I blast the villain with a deadly laser beam that shoots out of my eyeballs – just like Cyclops of the X-Men. But as this is happening, I feel like I’ve seen this before, or that I’ve done this very thing before. It’s a Déjà vu within a dream.

10/17/14
The nightmares have continued and only intensified. The same thing happens in every dream: I see what is about to happen, what is about to take place, and then it happens right in front of me – with me and everyone else involved acting and reacting precisely as they had in my precognitive visions.

10/21/14
I am quite terrified as I write this, but last night I had one of my precog nightmares, but this time, nothing happened. I saw the pre-vision, but it didn’t immediately come true. My precognitive dream vision was about an argument between two people, one male and one female. They appeared to be linked romantically. In my vision, the male was yelling at the female about spending too much money on herself and that the effort she was putting in weren’t doing her any favors. This causes the female to cry and makes the male even angrier. In the vision, I intervene by politely asking to back off. This makes the male focus his anger on me. After pushing me twice and telling me to “mind [my] own fucking business,” I felt this rush of anger come over me. As this was happening, my eyes felt like they were on fire, to the point where I could barely see out of them. When I calmed down, I noticed other bystanders screaming and running away and the perpetrator in front of me was down on the ground, completely knocked out. His clothes were smoldering and burn marks were all over his chest – AND THAT IS ALL I REMEMBER. Usually, the precognitive vision is immediately followed by the action, but not this time.

After I woke up, I continued on with my day, a little perplexed about the vision not coming to fruition inside my dream. I stopped at a local gas station for water and I noticed this couple in front of me arguing. I immediately recognized it as my precognitive dream. Stunned, I watched the events unfold just as they had in my dream. The argument, the faces, the clothes, the setting – it all matched my dream. At this point, without even realizing it, I intervened on the female’s behalf, just like I did in the dream. And just like the dream, my eyes felt on fire and when I finally regained my vision, I noticed the instigator down on the ground, knocked out and burns all over his body. Panicked, I ran out of the store and drove home, where I spent the next several hours in a dead stare, trying to make sense of what just happened.

10/22/14
The same thing happened again last night: I had a dream with a precognitive vision, but the vision never came true inside the dream. This time, I saw an elderly woman get her purse snatched, my eyes felt on fire, and when I regained my sight, the perpetrator was lying face down with his close burned and smoke coming off his body.

Later that day, THAT VERY THING HAPPENED! I saw the same elderly woman that was in my dream, the same mugger, the same street – everything. And I reacted the same way I did in the dream: taking him down by literally burning a hole through him. Again, I panicked and sought out a place to hide out.

11/1/14
I’ve been in hiding out since the most recent incident. I have nightmares every night. All of them come with a precognitive vision, but only a few of them have that vision come true within the dream. The more I try to deny this power I have, the more it intensifies.

11/8/14
After much soul searching, I have accepted the fact that I have been given a gift and that I now must use it for good. The last few nights saw some “beta tests” where I would see the precognitive vision within the dream and later that day I would act out what I saw in the vision in my real life. As long as I followed what I saw in my vision, I could not get hurt and this world would slowly become a better place; righting one wrong at a time.

11/10/14
I’ve gone to great lengths to harness my new powers and try to control them as best I can. I’ve learned to focus more in my precognitive dream and memorize every thing that happens. That way when I’m in the middle of dangerous situation, I can react with muscle memory without losing focus because of the adrenaline rush. With much practice, I have also learned how to control the intensity at which my foes get blasted with my eyesight. I can “shoot to kill” or “shoot to wound” depending on what the situation calls for and depending on what plan had been laid out in my precognitive dream.

11/12/14
I’ve been wondering what would happen if I didn’t follow what I saw in my visions, you know? What if I did something different or even did the complete opposite of what was in my precog dream? Well, today I tried it. In my dream, I saw someone getting bullied at a high school. This time, instead of zapping them with my sight, I attempted other means by which to diffuse the situation. The results weren’t so favorable. I guess the end goal of getting the bully’s attention off the victim succeeded, but by not following my precognitive vision, I ended up accidentally wounding some of the bystanders. For the time being, I will follow the plan set in the precog vision.

11/13/14
Last night, something strange happened. I had my precognitive vision like I always do, but this time I wasn’t in it. What I saw was a car running a red light and careening into another vehicle. I woke up without anything getting resolved.

What did it mean? Am I supposed to stop this event? Is this meant as a warning for me to stay away?

I proceeded on with my day with great caution. I was riding my bike when I came upon the intersection in my dream. I saw the light turn red and I saw a car coming up from behind me that was not slowing down. Reacting quickly, I focused my gaze at his tires, blowing two of them out, causing his car to barrel into a stop light. He got out of his car dazed, but appeared to be okay. Had I just changed the course of history? Have I altered their destinies? What implications would there be if I continued to play God?

11/21/14
I took another hiatus from trying to save the world as I pondered how to proceed with altering history. Every night, I had new visions, but I never left the house to act on them. Without my intervention, people got hurt, people felt sadness; they felt devastation, pain, and sorrow.

It was then that I realized that by not doing anything, I was altering the course of history. I was allowing bad things to happen as they always did before. But I have the power to change all of that. I can overcome evil with good. I can save people. I can help people. I can conquer evil.

11/22/14
I am back to fighting crime and quietly assisting others to avoid danger and personal injury. It feels so good to help others in need. The best part is that no one knows who is saving them. I vanish each scene before I am ever discovered. This is how I wish to remain: Anonymous.

11/23/14
I am realizing that I’m content with helping only one person a day. I only dream one dream a night and there’s only one person I save in each precognitive vision. The dreams only come to me when I sleep, so I felt that, for the sake of all humanity, I will quit my job and sleep multiple times during the day so that I can maximize the amount of precog dreams. I haven’t figured out how I am going to survive, but the greater good demands that I put others ahead of myself.

11/26/14
I have devoted myself to being a superhero full-time. I set my alarm for me to wake up after two hours of sleep. With the new vision fresh in my head, I go out and prevent the disaster from happening. When disaster is averted, I find some shelter to sleep so that the process can repeat.

12/1/14
The local media is starting to catch wind of me. They don’t know it’s me that is saving all of these people, but there is great speculation as to who is doing it and why. I must be careful to cover my tracks and stay hidden whenever possible.

12/2/14
National media has picked up the story of the superhero vigilante (that’s me, I guess!). The cops held a press conference condemning my work, saying that I am a threat to the public and that one of these days I’m going to seriously hurt someone. Well maybe if they did their fucking jobs, I wouldn’t have to do this all the time! But duty calls…

12/6/14
This lifestyle is really taking its toll. I have lost my job, my house, my money, and my girlfriend. I’ve fallen off the grid with my family, as not to put them in danger. With these setbacks, I feel more determined than ever that I have to continue fighting this fight.

12/9/14
I’m getting a little concerned. I haven’t had any precog visions the last two nights. I go to sleep and I’m completely blank. I wake up not remembering anything. Has evil been conquered? As much as I’d like to think so, I know this isn’t the case. Maybe a change of scenery will help the visions return. I plan to travel to another area and try my luck there. I’ll walk as far as I can all day tomorrow and see what happens there.

12/10/14
The visions returned to my dreams, but they’re a little foggier than before. It’s quite difficult to focus. Also, when I woke up, my nose was bleeding. Maybe that can be attributed to the place I now call “home”?

12/12/14
I have been continuing on my ways. I’m trying to see the visions clearly but I only get fragments. I have to try to be a hero with limited information. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. Every morning, I still wake up with nosebleeds. No job = no money = no insurance = no doctor. Whatever is going on, it’s going to have to wait.

12/15/14
I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!

I met someone today. I escaped a house after subduing some would-be thieves with my superpowers and as I was running away, someone stopped me. He said, “I know who you are and what you’re doing but you have to stop. Listen to me, John. Please.” AND THEN THE GUY TOOK OFF! I was so scared, I didn’t know what to say. The guy who said it looked very familiar. He looked a lot like me, but maybe 10 years older and with all gray hair.

Who was he? How did he find me? What did he mean?

12/16/14
Whoever that dude was, he really scared the shit out of me. Do I continue fighting crime or do I heed the stranger’s warning? I may be embarking on a dangerous path.

Whatever lies in my destiny ahead, I would still recommend Whiting Clinic for your LASIK needs.