Admittedly, one of my faults is being a little too passive aggressive with people. I will dance around the issue with vague hints until I get what I want. (Or in most cases, until I get something-mildly-close-to-but-not-exactly what I wanted.) However, this approach to life has recently made its way into my dream world. I am passive aggressive in my dreams.
Last night, I was dreaming that I bumped into a person I had not seen in years. I was at their house, outside in the backyard, and we were catching up. One thing I just could not shake while talking to this person was how long they had let their grass get. They kept talking, and I kept peering over their shoulder at all the long grass. With rain in the dream-forecast, I knew that today shouldn’t be spent frolicking outside without a care in the world. Today needs to be spent mowing the lawn! Who has time for frolicking when there is GRASS TO BE MOWED?
Enough was enough, and I had to say something. In the middle of the next sentence spoken by this person, I interrupted and told them they needed to mow their lawn… like now. But I did it in a slightly more passive approach.
I looked up at the sky. I closed my eyes. I inhaled a refreshing breath of spring air. I casually glanced around the yard.
“Today is a good day to mow the lawn,” I said to my old acquaintance.
Today is a good day to mow the lawn? Really? This is MY DREAM, damn it! I could have said or done literally anything else and it would have been without consequence because this was MY DREAM. I could have said, “Hey! Mow your fucking lawn, you whiny little bitch!” I could have shot this person in the face. It was my dream! I could have had this person disintegrate in front of me and have Paul Rudd appear. I could have been sitting on the couch with Paul Rudd watching a movie! I could have been sitting on a couch with Paul Rudd, watching my favorite movie with Paul Rudd (Wet Hot American Summer). I could have been sitting on the couch with TWO Paul Rudds watching my favorite Paul Rudd movie. I could have been watching a Paul Rudd movie with two Paul Rudds while Paul Rudd is in the kitchen making me chocolate chip cookies. I could have been watching a Paul Rudd movie with two Paul Rudds, when I get a call from John Stamos. Oh yeah, and those fucking cookies are still being baked by Paul Rudd in the kitchen.
I could have done literally ANYTHING else because this was MY DREAM. But no. I opted for letting this person know that I find their current length of grass completely unacceptable and that today is the ONLY day that makes sense to mow… albeit in a passive aggressive way.
I just realized that I could have been dreaming about DOING IT!!! I could have been dreaming about doing it with P—
Let’s not start this again.
Just do me a favor. The next time you see me in dreamland, make sure your lawn in properly mowed before we exchange pleasantries.
And you better have some cookies baking in your oven.