Today is a Good Day to Mow the Lawn

Admittedly, one of my faults is being a little too passive aggressive with people. I will dance around the issue with vague hints until I get what I want. (Or in most cases, until I get something-mildly-close-to-but-not-exactly what I wanted.) However, this approach to life has recently made its way into my dream world. I am passive aggressive in my dreams.

Lawn Mower
This is what a lawn mower looks like.

Last night, I was dreaming that I bumped into a person I had not seen in years. I was at their house, outside in the backyard, and we were catching up. One thing I just could not shake while talking to this person was how long they had let their grass get. They kept talking, and I kept peering over their shoulder at all the long grass. With rain in the dream-forecast, I knew that today shouldn’t be spent frolicking outside without a care in the world. Today needs to be spent mowing the lawn! Who has time for frolicking when there is GRASS TO BE MOWED?

Enough was enough, and I had to say something. In the middle of the next sentence spoken by this person, I interrupted and told them they needed to mow their lawn… like now. But I did it in a slightly more passive approach.

I looked up at the sky. I closed my eyes. I inhaled a refreshing breath of spring air. I casually glanced around the yard.

“Today is a good day to mow the lawn,” I said to my old acquaintance.

Today is a good day to mow the lawn? Really? This is MY DREAM, damn it! I could have said or done literally anything else and it would have been without consequence because this was MY DREAM. I could have said, “Hey! Mow your fucking lawn, you whiny little bitch!” I could have shot this person in the face. It was my dream! I could have had this person disintegrate in front of me and have Paul Rudd appear. I could have been sitting on the couch with Paul Rudd watching a movie! I could have been sitting on a couch with Paul Rudd, watching my favorite movie with Paul Rudd (Wet Hot American Summer). I could have been sitting on the couch with TWO Paul Rudds watching my favorite Paul Rudd movie. I could have been watching a Paul Rudd movie with two Paul Rudds while Paul Rudd is in the kitchen making me chocolate chip cookies. I could have been watching a Paul Rudd movie with two Paul Rudds, when I get a call from John Stamos. Oh yeah, and those fucking cookies are still being baked by Paul Rudd in the kitchen.

I could have done literally ANYTHING else because this was MY DREAM. But no. I opted for letting this person know that I find their current length of grass completely unacceptable and that today is the ONLY day that makes sense to mow… albeit in a passive aggressive way.

I just realized that I could have been dreaming about DOING IT!!! I could have been dreaming about doing it with P—

Let’s not start this again.

Just do me a favor. The next time you see me in dreamland, make sure your lawn in properly mowed before we exchange pleasantries.

And you better have some cookies baking in your oven.

Published by TV's John Hansen

I love power metal. I like writing and telling stories. I like trying to make people laugh. I like making myself laugh more. I like pizza too. I also like writing stories about making pizza laugh.

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