Hang in There, Home Depot Project Guy

Take a moment to check out this commercial for The Home Depot:

This is what The Home Depot logo looks like.
This is what The Home Depot logo looks like.

The Home Depot has granted us a 30-second window into this poor guy’s sad, pathetic life. He is clearly married to a complete bitch. This isn’t a commercial about how easy it is to start your garden. It’s a cry for help for men everywhere who are stuck in a loveless relationship where your only sense of joy comes from planting stupid plants in your stupid backyard.

Let’s break this down.

 

0:00 seconds – “What do you think?”

She asks “What do you think?” like he really has a choice in the matter. She’s not asking “What do you think?” she’s telling him that this is what she wants planted in her garden… like right now. He thought he was going to spend his Saturday relaxing after a tough week down at the office by sipping his coffee, but no. His wife has other plans.

0:01 seconds – “That’s great.”

He responds with “That’s great” as in “this is a great project for YOU to do today so maybe I can get five seconds away from your nagging.” His tone and lack of enthusiasm suggests that he knows his Saturday plans of sitting around the house and watching some baseball with his pants off went RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW.

0:02 seconds – “It won’t take long, will it?”

She’s not asking if this project is too big for him to handle. She’s asking if it will take long because she has other projects for him to do. She’s telling him that she wants this done, today, right now, and that he better make it snappy, because that “Honey Do List” is growing by the minute.

0:04 seconds – “Okay!”

She says “okay” and shoves the tablet in his face, while she scurries off to find more work for him to do. She isn’t going to stick around and make sure he gets started. She expects him to place that coffee cup down (on a coaster) and get started right now, because the sooner these weekend projects get completed, the sooner he can return to the office at 9am on Monday morning for another grueling work week.

0:07 seconds – “This… won’t take long will it?”

He knows how long this is going to take… all weekend. That is not what he is asking. What this really is, is a cry for help. He is begging this employee of The Home Depot to either talk him out of this back-breaking project, or to somehow gain sympathy for the weekend that is about to be completely ruined.

0:09 seconds – The Look

The look this frigid bitch gives her husband sent chills down my spine. This was a combination of “Were you just flirting with that slut?” and “How dare you try to get out of this weekend project I planned for you?” You can almost feel the husband’s heart sink when he realizes that his controlling wife has busted him. He knows that this little stunt just won him a night of sleeping on the couch.

0:11 seconds – “How many of these can we do on our budget?”

Notice how she asks this question RIGHT in front of her husband. She does this on purpose to show her husband that, “Yes, I was talking to this stranger about how much disposable income you have,” and, “Yes, I made it clear that it wasn’t very much.” She wants to make it clear that the hours he slaves down at Brandt & Leland don’t amount to shit, because he is the reason this family is so poor.

0:16 seconds – The Look

After the husband proclaims, “That didn’t take very long, did it?” he is torpedoed with another vicious look from his wife. The look says, “Of course it didn’t take long because I had to come out and help your sorry ass finish before it rains tonight.” The look also has a hint of “I thought I told you only to speak when you’re spoken to.”

0:22 seconds – “I already did.”

The husband tells his wife to “post it” at the 20-second mark, to which she pauses, then responds with a snarky, “I already did.” She pauses, as if to wonder how her husband could say such a stupid thing. Of course she will post it. She is well-versed in over-sharing her personal life on social media outlets. It’s almost automatic at this point. Do something amazing and immediately gloat about it online. I can just see the caption now, “Look what I did all by myself this weekend with no help from my idiot husband.”

In closing, I feel bad for this man. He is trapped in a relationship that is totally lacking in respect. The marriage probably started off normally, but when he started getting gray hair, it was a breach of their prenuptial agreement, therefore allowing the female to be a total cunt to the male. It’s sad, but it probably happens every day.

Well lady, I hope you’re happy with your garden outside your house, because inside your house is a man who is unhappy and quietly counting down the days until your death provides the freedom to which he is entitled.

Published by TV's John Hansen

I love power metal. I like writing and telling stories. I like trying to make people laugh. I like making myself laugh more. I like pizza too. I also like writing stories about making pizza laugh.

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