Flying is not fun for me. It is the ultimate exercise in keeping my mind occupied with happy thoughts, while desperately trying not stab the passenger in the seat next to me. Some flights are more difficult than others.
I was recently on a late evening flight. It was for work, so I didn’t get to pick my seat, but luckily for me, I was given the most coveted of all airline seats – the middle seat.
As I boarded the plane, I inched my way toward my row. I took inventory of my fellow passengers, seeking out the fattest and most annoying passenger I could find. Why? Because that’s how I’d know where my seat is… next to the fat guy. As I glanced around, I spotted him on the right.
“THERE HE IS!” I sarcastically exclaimed to myself. “That is who I’m going to be sitting next to.”
I made my way to row 13; the same row as the fat guy. I looked at my ticket. 13E, next to the fat guy. I sat down next to the fat guy, who had already claimed the armrest. (Bravo, sir! Bravo!)
I sat there and wondered what kind of unpleasantries I’d have to endur- Oh, okay. He’s playing a stupid game on his stupid cell phone. “Are you going to be playing that stupid game the whole flight?” And he’s also breathing like he just ran (or witnessed?) a marathon. Coughing? Sure, why not! How about I shove an entire bottle of NyQuil down your throat, you disease spreading fat ass!
Okay, okay. When I regained my composure, I opened up my book and began to rea- Oh, really? We’re still coughing here? That’s great! Just great. You know, any time I’m sick, I’m like, “You know? I really should go in a small, enclosed vacuum filled past-capacity with other people to spread my joy to as many people as possible!” WHY DON’T YOU JUST COUGH DIRECTLY INTO MY MOUTH, YOU FAT, FAT ASSHOLE?!?
Deep breath, aaaaahhhh….
I returned back to my book and started reading. My mind relaxed and soon I was transported into a world of mystery and suspen- What’s this? What is he doing? He’s getting out another electronic device? What is it now? An iPad. Okay. So, he’s putting the game away on the phone and going to do something else on the iPad? “Wait… why are you still playing the game? Are you just waiting for your movie to load on your iPad? But the movie is playing now and you’re still playing the game. How can you be doing both? What are you doing? Which activity has your attention here? Are you going to watch a movie or play the game? You can’t choose both. Sir. Sir? You can’t choose both!! YOU’RE STILL PLAYING THE GAME AND WATCHING A MOVIE??? You ADHD MOTHER FUCKER! How about I take your portable electronics and safely stow them DIRECTLY UP YOUR FAT ASS?????”
Ahhhh… snack time. I’m going to eat some disgusting pretzels (or perhaps a stale cookie?) and wash it all down with an ice-cold Ginger Ale.
“I’ll have some water, please.”
WATER? Why did I say that? I wanted Ginger Ale! You stupid, stupid IDIOT! I can still change my mind. She hasn’t poured it yet! Say “Ginger Ale!” Say “G I N G E R A L E!!!!”
“Here’s your water, sir”
“Oh, delightful!” I exclaim.
Damn it. Water. I can have water literally ANYWHERE and I still choose to drink that. Whatever. At least it isn’t that smelly beer the guy on the other side of me is drinking. What kind of beer is that, sir? Pisswasser? “And how many beers is that for you anyway? Like six?”
Okay, brush the crumbs off my shirt and out of my beard and now back to my boo- Wait. Who is singing? Singing? Really? On a plane? Oh, it’s YOU, guy to my right!!! “You’re going to sing now?!?! How about I cut off your head and use your skull as a drum??? Keep singing, you piece of shit! KEEP SINGING!!!!”
Yeah, yeah, yeah!!!! And it’s country music too! “Sir, the first guitar I see is going directly up your ass. I’m also going to poop in your cowboy hat, you out-of-tune mother fucker!!!!!”
After several more of those dream sequences (or hallucinations?), I realized the plane had landed. I respectfully said my goodbyes to the people next to me as I reminisced one last time about their decapitated heads rolling down the isle upon landing.