The Hansen Family Annual Christmas Letter 2013

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone from the Hansen family. I realized that no one in my family had (to my knowledge) written our annual Christmas letter, so I decided to take it upon myself to update everyone on the goings-on on all things “Hansen.”

Let’s start with my parents. 2013 began with the annual tradition of unpacking boxes from the last year’s move and begin to settle in to their new place. By June, all the boxes had been unpacked, just in time for the annual “pack up your things, we’re moving” phone call in July. My father got a new position handling the finances on the International Space Station while my mother moved to Arizona because “that’s one of the few places I haven’t lived yet.” But my father still gets to see my mother every other week when he shuttles down from space to visit. Somehow, they make this arrangement work.

My older brother Kevin realized his dream of becoming a professional wrestler this year. Well… sort of. He worked his butt off to train and spent a “troubling” amount of time on his ring entrance. (“Troubling” in Vince McMahon’s words, not mine.) Anyway, he finally got his debut on WWE Monday Night Raw in November. He came out with glorious fanfare complete with lasers and a ton of pyro. His ring entrance was, in a word, legendary. Then came the actual wrestling. His first move in his first match was countered by the wrestler known as Faaaaaaaaannnnndaaaaaaaaannnnngoooooo, and turned into a piledriver, paralyzing Kevin from the neck-down and effectively ending his wrestling career. But if you could have seen his entrance…

On a bright note, he has a new nickname. We call him “Quadsy” or sometimes “Professor X” because of the wheelchair to which he is now confined. He seems to be in good spirits because he was more fascinated by wrestling’s theatricality more than its physicality.

My younger brother Rob made it a goal this year to be more outgoing and be more sociable. This experiment had the opposite of the desired effect and this caused him to make Antarctica his new home. The nearest grocery store is three days (by ship) away from his new home. He is happy though, because he is now free to be his freaky self without any mocking glances from his family and society, in general.

My younger sister Katrina had great fortune followed by great heartache this year. She randomly bought a lottery scratch-off ticket at a gas station and won $100. She then celebrated with a week-long stay in the Emperor’s Suite of Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, where she managed to blow $213,984 in that short week before being “escorted” to the state line. She eventually hitchhiked home to begin rebuilding her life again. She may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but she is pretty, and that’s all a woman needs to succeed in this world.

Lastly comes me. I spend most of my time in my diamond-encrusted crusty chair at Sniffer’s Row Gentleman’s Club in Tenney, Minnesota. I only know my friends by their stage names and my money is spent one dollar at a time. I am quite the celebrity there, as I frequent their fine establishment very close to 24-hours a day. The rest of the time is spent either sleeping or selling lemonade on the highway.

This was the life I dreamed of on my school’s Career Day.

That’s about it! We all hope your 2013 was a prosperous one. Seasons Greetings and a joyous 2014 to you all!

Published by TV's John Hansen

I love power metal. I like writing and telling stories. I like trying to make people laugh. I like making myself laugh more. I like pizza too. I also like writing stories about making pizza laugh.

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