“Damn it!” Chester said out loud as he awakened. “I’m still alive.”
Life was tough for Chester “Chazz” Darvey. It had been three years since The Outbreak, and somehow, he was still surviving.
Chester was a tall, muscular man with long, curly brown hair. He looked a lot like Brendan Fraser, but with long hair… so he looked like Brendan Fraser in the movie Airheads or maybe George of the Jungle. I assure you, however, that it most definitely was not Brendan Fraser, even though his body type and chiseled face looked almost identical to that of Brendan Fraser. So even though people – even in the Apocalypse – would stop him and say, “Hey, are you Brendan Fraser?” it was not him. Chester was a big fan of Brendan Fraser though, but I’m just not sure if it was because he admired his acting abilities or because they looked like each other or maybe some crazy hybrid of the two.
He wasn’t Brendan Fraser, though.
Oh, and he also hated being called “Chester.”
Chester had no friends, no family, no acquaintances; he was completely alone. As much as he prayed for Death’s sweet kiss, it never happened. Chester didn’t really “try” to get himself killed, but he wasn’t “trying” to stay alive either… it just sort of kept happening. Chester’s life pre-and-post Apocalypse was quite similar. He was scrounging for food, he was lonely, he was dirty, he urinated wherever he felt like, and people often asked him if he was Brendan Fraser.
Chester got up out of his cot and walked toward the opening in the wall. His day-long journey to survive was just beginning. He walked out onto the fire-escape of the warehouse in which he was staying and climbed down to street level. With a machete slung over his trench coat and an aluminum baseball bat in hand, he cautiously traveled to the outskirts of town to find food and supplies, and God-willing a Spanish version of a Playboy magazine. Chester didn’t speak Spanish, but he enjoyed looking at the naked flesh of Hispanic women. Please don’t judge.
As Chester made his way into the next town, he noticed something oddly familiar about the place. Most of the buildings were reduced to rubble but there was still something he recognized about the place.
“Wait a minute… I went to this high school in 11th grade,” Chester said to himself.
Chester’s family moved around a lot. His father was a Catholic priest and their family would often move from town to town after a couple of years. Chester’s father told him it was because “God was calling them to spread The Word in another town.” To Chester, “the call” seemed like it came from the county Sheriff department, but that was neither here nor there.
A distant cry for help interrupted his thoughts.
“HEEEELLLLP ME, PLEASE!!!!” the voice screamed, louder.
Chester ran toward the direction of the hollowed-out remains of his high school, where the voice was coming from. As he got closer, he noticed a beautiful woman being chased by a group of zombies. Chester ran to her aide, clubbing the nearest one with a baseball bat to the skull. He unsheathed his machete and made short work of the other three zombies, dismembering and beheading all in sight.
“OH THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!” the woman said, as she hugged Chester.
“I was in there seeing if there was any food and I got turned around and couldn’t find my way out so I panicked and dropped my bag and ran toward this door but on the other side of the door were these zombies so I turned back around and headed toward the fence and that’s when you saved me!” she frantically recalled.
“There, there. You’re safe now,” Chester said soothingly.
Chester brushed her hair aside in an attempt to calm her down. It was then that he realized that he recognized this beautiful woman. It was Kayla Christensen, only the most beautiful girl in school. Chester had dreams (occasionally of the “wet” variety) about Kayla almost nightly when he went to school with her. She was captain of the cheerleader squad, she was an A-honor roll student, homecoming queen, the most popular girl in school; you name it, she had it.
(Boobs? Oh, hell yes. She had those too. Perky ones.)
She looked better than when he remembered her from years ago. She had the same beautiful blond hair, the same perfect smile, the same heavenly voice that spoke in continuous run-on sentences. Chester instantly fell back in love with her.
“Kayla?” Chester said, interrupting her rant.
Kayla paused and looked up at Chester.
“Brendan Fraser?” she inquired.
“No,” Chester responded. “It’s me. Chazz Darvey!”
Kayla still looked puzzled.
“From high school? This high school? Junior year?” After a slight hesitation, Chester continued, “Chester Darvey, I sat next to you in-”
“CHESTER!” Kayla interrupted. “I remember you now! I don’t remember seeing you senior year, Chester. Did you graduate here?”
“It’s Chazz, actually,” Chester corrected. “Nah, my family moved to a different school senior year.”
“Oh yeah, your dad! How is Creepy Carl doing?”
“What? Um… he’s dead.” Chester explained.
Chester and Kayla took up shelter inside the school and began catching up. They weren’t friends in high school at all, but they were both eager for some human contact. It had been months since Kayla or Chester had seen any other human being; a living one anyway. Even though Kayla didn’t give Chester the time of day in high school, she enjoyed talking to him now. It was the closest thing to “normal” she had experienced in years.
“You know, Kayla… I had the biggest crush on you in high school. Like – THE BIGGEST. I sat behind you in Chemistry, just staring at your perfect hair. Sometimes I could smell the aroma of your perfume… it was intoxicating. I looked forward to that class every day because that was when I knew I’d get to see you. The days that you were home sick? They tortured me. My day was completely ruined when I didn’t get to see you. I didn’t know how to talk to you. I didn’t know what I’d say. I dreamed about you every night. I fantasized about you constantly. I just knew, in my heart, that you and I were destined to be together, forever. And seeing you here today, all those feelings… came rushing back. I am still in love with you, Kayla.”
Kayla stared at him with a smile on her face.
“Oh Chester…,” she said, as she reached over to brush his gorgeous Brendan Fraser-like hair out of his face. “That is so sweet!”
Kayla grabbed Chester’s hand.
“I promise that we will be friends forever, Chester.”
Chester’s heart sank. He stopped breathing for a few seconds. When he started again, it was as if his soul had just exited his body. He just got friendzoned, and not just a regular friendzone, but a Post-Apocalyptic friendzone, which is without a doubt, the worst kind of friendzoning one can do.
A gurgling from the other side of the wall interrupted the silence. Kayla shrieked in horror but Chester just sat there, staring.
The wall collapsed to the ground and four zombies came crawling into their hideout. They quickly grabbed Kayla.
“CHESTER! CHESTER! HELP ME!” Kayla screamed in horror.
Chester just sat there in his friendzone, staring at Kayla.
“CHESTER! PLEASE! CHESTER! AH! AHHH! AAAAHHHH!!!” Kayla screamed, as the zombies began to devour her.
Chester casually got up and walked over to the zombies feasting on Kayla and killed all four of them. He removed the bodies off of Kayla who was now unconscious and bleeding profusely from multiple places. He walked over to his bag to get some rope and then back over to the now deceased body of Kayla.
He smiled as he looked down at her corpse. A tear came to his eye, for all his fantasies were about to come true.