Thrills! Excitement! Sorrow! Despair! Descriptions!
This ride continues to be an emotional roller coaster ride for me.
First, a little background on me: I am a well-traveled individual who often “samples the local flavor” by courting a young dame the day before I leave for the next exotic location. Due to my current religious beliefs, I do not believe in anything that may “protect” me from unwanted children and/or HIV. This results, more often than not, in unwanted children.
The reason for the emotional roller coaster is because this ride is a constant reminder of the baronesses I have de-flowered throughout this great planet Earth. Here is a breakdown of the ladies that I have broken down (and the children that are supposedly mine), juxtaposed to where the ride takes you.
Europe: Marit (Oslo, Norway)
I met Marit at a local discotheque in Norway. We locked eyes during the song “The Macarena” and it was love at first sight. She insisted we go to my hotel room where I showed her the most amazing 45 seconds of her life. As we snuggled there in bed, I whispered in her ear that I loved her and that I would never leave her.
The next morning I flew back to the States without telling her. She would contact me almost a year later with a picture of a young boy named Mathias. (pronounced “Mah-tee-ahs”) Over the years, I have learned that he is quite good at soccer and he enjoys playing the violin.
Asia: Riko (Tokyo, Japan)
Riko and I literally bumped into each other on Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. in Japan. As is customary in Japan, if a female is at fault in an accidental bump-into, she must give herself completely to the person she bumped into.
As we snuggled there in bed in my hotel room, I whispered in her ear that I loved her and that I would never leave her. The next morning, I boarded a flight back to the States.
Several months later, she would contact me with a picture of a baby girl named Misaka. She is currently the smartest kid in her 6th grade class and she also loves playing the violin.
Africa: A’sharia’ (Kenya, Africa)
I met A’sharia’ on an African Safari. She was the tour guide. She pointed out the long tusk of an elephant remarking to the tour group, “Have you ever seen anything this big?” to which I smirked and nodded in her direction. It was on.
Later, on the savannah and beneath the mosquito netting, I proclaimed my love for her, vowing never to leave her. The next morning, I drove back to New York City for very important business.
About a year later, I received a snapchat from A’sharia’, informing me that I have a new baby named Nasra. In the years since her birth, she has been excelling in school, she won a spelling bee, and she is also a fearsome warlord in the Lake Turkana region of Kenya.
Antarctica: Gisella (Mirny, Antarctica)
Gisella and I crossed paths at the Antarctica International Airport. She was the agent at Gate M47. She asked if I had any carry-on luggage, to which I smirked and nodded slowly. That night, as I was spooning her, I whispered in her ear that I loved her and that I would never leave her. The next morning, I returned to my summer home in Canada for a Christmas party.
About two years later, I received a fax from Gisella, with a photo attached of our two-year-old boy Emilio. Emilio is learning his ABC’s really quickly, excelling at number-counting, and potty training, just like his dad.
South America: Isidora (Coihaique, Chile)
I was in Chile on a humanitarian effort to create renewable energy for a small village near the border. Isidora was the coordinator of the operation. I had the schematics for the wind turbines on the table and she asked me, “How much thrust are you capable of with that machine?” to which I smirked and nodded slowly as I stared into her Chilean eyes.
That night, I expressed my love for her while engaging in some “passionate whoopie” whispering in her ear that I would never leave her. The next morning, I was on the first flight back to San Diego, where the zoos are amazing.
About three years later, Isidora contacted me with a photo attachment of a young boy named Maximiliano. He was our love child. He doesn’t go to school yet but he is really good at picking cocoa beans.
Pacific Islands: Isabella (Talofofo, Guam)
I was studying a broad at this local library. Her name was Isabella and she was the librarian. Since no one ever goes to the library anymore, we engaged in relations right there in the fantasy section. When it was all over at 3:13pm, I whispered in her ear that I loved her and that I would never leave her. I then asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
About nine months later, she contacted me with a photo of newborn Jeremiah. He’s still ugly as hell, but he has my chin.
Australia: Rebecca (Port Macquarie, New South Wales)
Rebecca and I crossed paths when we were dining at a local Australian favorite named “The Outback Steakhouse.” She was sitting across the bar from me. I thought she was pretty, so I sent an appetizer over to her that looked a lot like Chili’s Awesome Blossom. With the smell of onions on her breath, she came over to me and asked for my phone number. Instead, I gave her the key to my room. I quickly asked for it back, since it was my only copy.
We skipped out on our meals and went directly to my hotel room. It was there that I professed my love for her, whispering in her ear that I would never leave her. “Now get out because I have an early flight” was the last thing I ever said to her.
Several years later, she sent me a photo of our love child, Chloe. She is currently on a respirator in St. Jude’s hospital, but I can’t help but snicker when I see a photo of her connected to all of those machines.
New Zealand – Ruby (Auckland, New Zealand)
Ruby and I began our courtship while fishing at Half Moon Bay. I caught one of those big 3oz fishes and showed it to her. I then jokingly asked her if I could see her Half Moon Bay but she totally dug it. It was right then and there that I professed my love for her, whispering in her ear that I would never leave her.
That night, I took the red-eye back to my winter home in Detroit for my bi-annual Fourth of July celebration. When I got back, a letter was waiting for me in my mailbox from Ruby. She attached a photo of our child, Alexander. He is 8 years old and a world-champion violinist. He also sells drugs at school.
I haven’t been fortunate enough to meet any ladies in America yet, which is what makes this ride so depressing. It ends in America and I feel that is a glaring reminder of what a failure I am.
Still, all in all, I enjoyed this ride. I dock one point because they don’t play the theme song “it’s a small world after all” enough. Four out of five stars.